writing: Mostly poetry, sorted generally from newest to oldest.

undecided someday I'll give up on those who've given up on me but how does someone so stubborn and so alone let go of those who've always been there or maybe they really haven't I still can't decide.

beautiful I hate how I underestimate him he's so smart so insightful and there's so much more to him than I give him credit for he's so beautiful so intricate I don't think I'll ever fully understand him and I adore him I envy him I worship him I hate to think I waste too much time admiring his face when I should be admiring him

showering thoughts when you can't decide to turn the hot water up or down when you can't think of anything more original than "I'm going crazy" or "Where did my life go?" and all you can say to the tele-marketer is "I'm tired, can you call back?" because you don't have the energy to say you're not interested I just want to wash away all of this ...I guess there's no hope for me

letting go she shrugs me off and clings to the people she holds higher than me knows nothing of the pain she's caused me it reminds me of the time that I couldn't look at her without sneering and shows me why I bothered to do it she's not worth the obsession not worth the time tears are useless and so is the thought that we should regain whatever it is that we had things haven't been right between us for years so what makes me think we can turn around now? I'm giving up and I'm not spending my hate my anger my sadness my tears or anything else on her anymore I'm just simply letting go

apologize oh god I remember wishing that it would just end because I was tired of lingering and I just didn't care anymore how I wish I could feel that way now tired of longing tired of knowing it will never be the same tired of caring and I don't even know what happened all I remember was being told I had to change and I was shoved aside forcefully and I cried and I think I'll cry forever I hate crying. and where is my happy ending now? my fairytale? I'm such a baby. who knew it would hurt so much. did you? and did you smile because of it? as you torture me every time I see your face hear your laugh hear you speak to me... maybe you feel the same as I do. but then you'd apologize. but then of course... so would I.

shirley street cattle the cattle have all died and I think I've died with them what are we doing? are we attempting to raise the dead? I keep thinking maybe it was me after all maybe I drove them away left them to wander and fall to their doom when all this time I swore it was you but either way I can't bring them back and I'm not sure if I have the heart to start over

consumed I miss the girl I used to know I miss the cattle the birthday wars suddenly the time counts for nothing so suddenly you're a stranger someone I'd roll my eyes at with a first glance abandonned at the worst possible time I'm still trying to hide my scars and doing a poor job at it my bitterness my hope for a second chance my pain consumes me it's almost      obsession and then you feed the fire and act like nothing's changed and I can't say it doesn't make me smile

hearts words I've never felt so deeply before enrage my anger jealousy and sympathy overlooked wit and unknown situations are clear now and excite my senses but no need no tears no worries his bleeding heart rests in my hands and maybe I've healed him and maybe in return he's brought my irregular beats back to normalcy

dramatic me and I want to go wallow in the drama leave this crazy place because I'm not as great as everyone else and I just want to accept that this teenage mentality has finally hit me and I'm tired of listening to what 'they' say I want to be rid of this culture this authority I don't want this life anymore and I don't want to know that anything else would be exactly the same

trio I always knew I was being pushed out but I like to supress everything I tell myself the three of us have drifted so far years ago we were inseparable and now I think we're just floating in a state of cloudy confusion and the smoke can't seem to clear I guess it doesn't matter that I still care I guess it doesn't matter that I'm left in pieces while they live their lives like nothing's happened and I'm sure it's my fault but I can't accept that maybe it's not as drastic as I think but as far as I can see the trio has gone solo and all I can do is cry

silence silence isn't golden ...it's fool's gold and to think I kept it amoung my riches for so long but I've learned since then and I won't let it taint my treasure because this time my words are true

maybe feeling so strongly with unsure feelings every thought contradicts another so sure the way I feel is right but not even sure of what I feel full of grievances void of solutions I know I'm justified but I don't know why maybe I'm just as ignorant as everyone else here

back on track you ask me what I'm going to do but anything I want is out of my reach and my choices here are two dead end roads that stretch too far in the opposite direction I refuse to go any further off track than I've already gotten but I need some help to find it again or was I ever really on it

naive am I naive to think that we could ever be the same you fake a smile and tell me to shut up with your work and your excuses your mouth says one thing and your eyes say another you can't tell me that I threw away six years by showing up a little late you can't look at me the same so don't tell me it's me that's changed

nothing. tears shed for what? so tired of being lost tired of seeing the sun rise when all I want to do is sleep I'm not worth anything anymore or was I never and just delusioned? tears shed for nothing. because that's all that's left a few good ideas some bad with good intentions but nothing more than empty thought brokendreams and those unbroken all seem to end in nothing. at least one is still going strong as I cross my fingers and pray to my fellow thoughts that he will stay

smart so smart enough to know that I'm not so blind is there a reason to want to see? I've never compared to those around me how is it that I excel them? my thoughts are cloudy I don't know what I want or what I think blind opinions on these matters contradicted ten times over I don't use big words think nothing that wasn't thought before mine expressed less clear, less profound than the previous importance overlooked toward pettiness so smart enough to lack daily function and to lack tolerance of anything I can't handle simplicity let alone complexity and I'll end up filling the shoes of the man on the lowest pedestal though they insist I'm so much higher what then makes me so smart? why do I think myself this way you ask? it's not downing yourself when it's true.

that feeling that feeling... I felt it when you held onto my tire  and wouldn't let go when I sat down across from you  and you sang Santeria off key when you followed me around the room  and you got a first taste of my sarcasm when you sat against a tree under the streetlight  and I hesitated to join you when I pulled the drawstring on your sweatshirt  and our hands fell together when we laid on bryan's couch   and we licked our lips in anticipation disapointment- got most of our days at least it did mine I missed that feeling for ten months while its ghost lingered and eventually vanished just because you became too accustomed to my being there that it didn't matter what you did what we did I was a tool for your pleasure while you sat back and enjoyed and I told myself it was worth it you let me go but I clung to you as a shoulder to hang on a phone call to waste a fragile shell that I couldn't bear to break so I dug myself deeper and deeper until it was... too late and I threw it away with no second thought ...don't let her go that feeling is still alive for her and when you say you love her love her

not so profound not so profound it's been pretty dull these days uninspired doubt and pessimism rule me and I've run out of epiphanies so I'll sit and be angry and do nothing excuse myself from what's expected I can't stay this way but I will not so profound I've been here too long too reliant on change just when it's started to stay the same and I'm feeling lost but I feel right at home there's nowhere to go when you won't leave

the chase I read of their heartache of their lost love and broken lives and die inside that I can't be the one to mend their bleeding hearts I may just be superficial or maybe there is some sort of compassion inside this hollow heart I bare either way I want to help and I want and want until I get that which I want then comes another chase and it never stops but what do I have to offer anyway I'll just be more inspiration for those words of sorrow another heartbreak another poem another day and I'll be off staring into another's face wishing it were the next down the line

rain I make it sound so easy just befriend him my mind likes to deceive me and tell me I hate him I live in this maze I'm at the beginning again and despite my searches I swear there is no end I want to love him now I think I like the pain or maybe just the way he was running in the rain

liar he'll always be the cute kid I sat next to that day and he'll always be the kid that screwed me over without even knowing it he'll always be my inspiration and I'll always believe he's right around the corner and I can't tell if I want him to be there or not but he never is anyway he'll always be the dorky kid that I couldn't resist and I'm a liar 'cause I know I could never hate him

lies what the fuck I'm only 16 is there any kind of rationality with people like me not a chance not a word could make you understand jump to your conclusions but maybe you're right maybe despite what I stand for I'm just full of lies

permanent marker take his hand mark it in ink a given to wash away when it no longer writes turn to marker it will keep an extra day their marks are gone as he is stained with me this was never the way I wanted it to be

memories memories of how we were come back every now and then of when we were happy when we didn't know better gives you a warm feeling inside to think I was happy once for a small moment in time never thought it'd end up this way I've gotten what I wanted yet again but with my negative outlook and pessimistic views it wasn't quite the same I'm harvesting fear and trying to supress myself as to not make the same mistake again

variety satisfaction is non-existent as we yearn for something new pleasure is temporary acquired from a thousand sources dreams are never fulfilled as nothing is quite what it seems consistence is impossible we need change we need variety

unshaken his charisma doesn't phase me his beauty not so admired I feel for him but I feel no need to embrace as sweet as sugar but no urge to taste his kindness doesn't move me by his wit ...I'm not so touched his mindset pains me but no impulse to prove him otherwise a natural charmer but no compelling force emanates from his eyes

no more words what do you do when there's no more words say goodbye till you think of something to say try not to cry as he slips away what do you do when there's no more stories listen to him breathe till you forget he's on the line tear at your sleeve and tell yourself it's fine?

sit and wait the days are slipping by decreasing my chance my anticipation crushed not enough time to fulfill my dream not enough time to be what we could be and so we sit and wait for someone to take a stand but nothing works out it'll never happen my dreams plummet once again what good is it to get your hopes up when you know the outcome why should I bother to cross my fingers when it can't change a thing anyway so I sit and wait for someone to take a stand even though I know we'll never be a band

sleep sleep tired of waiting tired of learning exhausted bored tired of redundancy day after day turn off my alarm just five more minutes day after day I got to hell and back sleep tired of doing nothing tired of being tired apathetic lazy tired of routine wake up leave come home long for weekend sleep wake up... searching for a new project going nowhere tired of repitition sleep tired of longing tired of loathing lonely weary tired

the right thing he's waiting for something but I can't find the right thing and the silence is killing me inside and I'm sure he feels the same the pain in his eyes could kill me a thousand times but still nothing the thoughts are swirling through my mind they're on the tip of my tounge but something's wrong I've waited too long he's waiting for the right thing the words I can't find something--anything the jumble of words doesn't make any sense I can't-- why? no reason none he's waiting for anything but I want it to be the right thing I could cry no think speak speak-- his eyes are so pretty I can't lose him not this he waits he says a million words that have no sound but he can't hear mine as I wish and wish he could nothing "speak" but I'm waiting for the right thing and nothing comes it's a mystery or my stupidity it seems like forever everything builds up inside me but he can't hear me he can't hear you make him hear you nothing he's waiting for nothing because I can't find the right thing and no matter how hard I try I can't find a line he'll never know this swirl of words these lips won't budge why? "speak" "I love you" what took so long? but it wasn't the right thing

freezing in fishnets forever searching curious envious trying not too hard waiting for love to fall in my lap never really understood it never really felt it but always yearning for it living another tale of unrequitted love a shimmer of hope emerged from the ice freezing in my fishnets something sparked the two of us alone in the winter air my summer dreams discarded exchanged for something real singing Santeria wearing my almost full set of Christmas lights this just felt right somehow sitting across the room was something I couldn't pass up mutual dreams at the ball drop let down by our fear so obvious looking back it should've been done a few mistakes made along the way but all is well in the end no longer searching passionate content love has fallen in my lap

passion in the mist mist in the twilight our hearts steered with passion a little nervous and full of hope I gazed in his eyes and wished it would never end of the whole world there was him that night and the rest faded in the mist dreams in the streetlights our hands interlocked under the stars

all I have left happiness was not a factor I was too young to understand it wasn't much but it was something looking back I want to make more of it he never taught me to play softball and he didn't support my dream but he gave me his gift of music and created my sweet tooth they say I was favored spoiled if you will but my memory is too clouded and I strive to remember he gave me his intelligence he gave me my life and my pessimism he gave me his love he gave me Christmas presents the keyboard that sits in my room collecting dust I played golf with him that sunny day a day I'll never forget I lost the game but life went on I wish I could give it another shot we came over for pizza and soaked it with tears with all the commotion the pizza got cold and our lives were never the same he would never approve of what I've become and he would never believe this was the girl he once knew but he'll never get to see he'll never see me walk down the aisle he'll never see his grandchildren grow up and he won't attend his own father's funeral but he lived his life and it was his time so I'll never get a golf rematch and he'll never hear my play my flute and though I wonder what it would be like if he were still here I try not to grieve and I pay it no mind and I try to live my life since I don't have forever stirring in my memories of him it saddens me that the bad ones override the good but I cherish them anyway they're all I have left

four seasons a spark in summer swealtering heat in the air dreams in summer school death of life and dreams I'm plummeting in the fall dreams come crashing down death of winter shows love arises from the cold new holiday dreams finally content there is life again in spring ending the cycle

hates herself and she hates herself more than anyone else she can't do anything right it's been that way all her life and she plays along like nothing's wrong she won't say anything tonight maybe someday it'll come out right

charisma on a stick "he's charisma on a stick" she says and I do believe it's true if I run out of things to say I know that you'll come through and there's no time to lose be careful how you take the things I say to you you can follow me if you want to you can come to my room at night if you so desire you can go with me anywhere just as long as you don't bring her with you

not cut out for anything I'm beginning to think I'm not cut out for anything anymore I'm beginning to think I don't have anything in this world to adore I thought by now I'd find some answers I thought by now I'd be something I'm starting to take my chances but I'm running out of things to dream

she's dead she's dead she died when she realized he wasn't what she'd made him out to be she's dead but she still somehow manages to claw away inside of me I can never make her live again but she still insists on changing my mind sometimes

one more chance down bang, one more chance down a bit unsure if it would've been right but I would've taken it anyway I wouldn't be here anymore if I had nothing to live for but so many dreams get shot down what are the odds that more will keep coming around tomorrow I'll say but I don't realize I said that yesterday

winterfresh a fresh new start for the winter frozen fingers trying to draw shading in my latest dream but real life has colors whether they're seen or not

neighborhood watch paradise burning away don't wake me up I haven't slept yet flying by what is the time dispose of the condiments cannot comprehend sirens blaring an overlooked communication drifting across the starlit sky at times I wish the threat wasn't empty someday there will be no return more glimmering shards and deep red stains for time to wash away it's cranked up too high and it's rattling my mind I'm not impressed the world isn't involved though it's made so easy to be it's only grass no one's perfect when do we get paid the rent it doesn't cover damages

exit 58 (campbell's soup) so let me leave already sometimes I wish the sun wouldn't rise staring over my empty bowl of soup don't worry I'm decorating when will this ghost be set free it never stops haunting me this lucky seven means nothing if my name doesn't either

when all I know has been shot down to pieces when all my dreams have just let me down I walk around with my untied laces waiting until I'll just fall down

why is this life so repetitive and this entire world so insensitive will I ever be pleased with what I have will I ever see clearly what exactly has happened to me 'cause this life has blinded me over and over again

stop breaking my heart you should know what it feels like stop tearing me apart not like I asked to be your wife

how long can I stand here and take this abuse how long can I wait for everything to come loose how long can I try to make endsmeat how long can I cry this silently

we never knew what we were up to we never knew quite what to do we lived our days one by one we weren't afraid of the days to come

I'm lost in this nightmare and there's nothing that can make me care I'm lost in your expectations because I can't compare

apathy is my religion I can't keep my mind from unstitching I wish that I could just float away

trying to catch you on my fishing line but she's got better bait that's ok but in the meantime you should give mine a taste

and all I have to show is a screen name and a pen I don't know where to go I've been lost since then

and I know what he feels inside and I know it's not fair nothing ever turns out right and no one cares

and in october all my dreams come crashing down is it over or am I in the wrong town

and if I gave him everything everything he desired would I still feel the way I feel like I'm barely alive

and everything around here reminds me of you I can't figure out what I'm so afraid of and I lied to you and I die every night for it and I'd cry if I had the heart to but I'm so selfish

cold chills run down my back and I don't know where I'm going you've opened up a world that I can't keep from exploring and I don't know what to do now that I know you and you're nothing that I can afford to lose

tried to be but I couldn't see cured by some soup but now it's all gone too young for taxes but I still have to pay too warm for winter but I'm freezing anyway

make it all go away I never asked for things to be this way I never gave up hope that it would all be ok until now

teeth limericks they're covered with grease and grime but soon they will brightly shine swish then swosh once they get washed they'll gleam like a flourescant sign · in my mouth I felt a twinge as I was stabbed with a syringe something wet dripped down my lip and my stomach did a flip when I heard the drill it made me cringe · your teeth are covered in plaque and a brush and toothpaste you lack there's not a place you can find a mint and your pockets are full of nothing but lint you shouldn't have eaten that snack · so this morning you never flossed well at least your teeth are glossed of course the front is clean but if you look inbetween-- well remember that cat you lost? · your teeth have suffered a big loss you finally used dental floss there's no more slime and no more grime now your dentist won't have to be cross · last night I had roast beef and I never brushed my teeth from what I could see they looked pretty clean but who knows what lurked underneath

cows cows have a lot of feet they're nutritious and delicious to eat they help make cheese and they moo in the breeze then later become hamburger meat

Mr. L Mr. Lesiewicz likes the Jets I don't think he likes the Mets he has a student named fats and he doesn't like cats and he never grades the papers he gets

the cat and the dog the cat bit the dog the dog cried then he died and he went stiff like a log there the dog lied there was no sympathy from the cat then the dog's master hit him with a bat and he fell to his side the things were imbred and now they're dead they'll lay in their eternal bed because the cat didn't use his head